We can’t unburn the Library of Alexandria. We can’t restore the Parthenon. The lost plays of Sophocles and the vanished histories of Livy are, in all likelihood, vanished forever.
But today, the whole world can feel joy, for another transcendent work of art is returned to us: Elon Musk has unbanned President Donald Trump’s Twitter account and his more than 59,000 tweets, the tweets that carried him to the Republican nomination, the White House, and immortality.
Of course, the haters and losers are absolutely apoplectic, like demons who can only wail and shrivel in agony when confronted by the light of God.
You are failing our democracy.
Your garbage poll means nothing. Did people outside the US vote? Did you reach out to marginalized communities—the targets of Trump’s rhetoric—for their input? Your followers don’t represent America.
If you run Twitter like this, God help us all. https://t.co/v8DsB9vtza
— Derrick Johnson (@DerrickNAACP) November 20, 2022
No worries, Derrick: today, God truly is helping us all.
Everybody should spend an hour or two simply scrolling through the President’s collected tweets. But for our part, here are Revolver’s picks for the best of the best of Trump’s wit and wisdom:
Got to do something about these missing chidlren grabbed by the perverts. Too many incidents–fast trial, death penalty.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 8, 2012
21. He saw the truth so quickly…
I don’t like seeing the Pope standing at the checkout counter (front desk) of a hotel in order to pay his bill. It’s not Pope-like!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 19, 2013
20. Good life strategy.
It makes me feel so good to hit "sleazebags" back — much better than seeing a psychiatrist (which I never have!)
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 19, 2012
Best line in the Elizabeth Warren beer catastrophe is, to her husband, “Thank you for being here. I’m glad you’re here” It’s their house, he’s supposed to be there!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 14, 2019
North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 3, 2018
17. Hey, that IS weird…
When I was 18, people called me Donald Trump. When he was 18, @BarackObama was Barry Soweto. Weird.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 12, 2012
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
15. Our president is impeccably polite…
While @BetteMidler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 28, 2012
14. Always a prophet…
Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 22, 2012
Every time I speak of the haters and losers I do so with great love and affection. They cannot help the fact that they were born fucked up!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 29, 2014
Today Elizabeth Warren, sometimes referred to by me as Pocahontas, joined the race for President. Will she run as our first Native American presidential candidate, or has she decided that after 32 years, this is not playing so well anymore? See you on the campaign TRAIL, Liz!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 9, 2019
Many people walked out on Madonna's concert when she told them to vote for Obama. Years ago I walked out because the concert was terrible!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 29, 2012
10. Better foreign policy insights than anyone in Washington…
As bad as Qaddafi was—what comes next in Libya will be worse—just watch.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 23, 2011
9. The right choice.
.@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 28, 2012
Barney Frank looked disgusting–nipples protruding–in his blue shirt before Congress. Very very disrespectful.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 21, 2011
My twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 17, 2012
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 14, 2012
4. It’s like he knew…
Pervert alert. @RepWeiner is back on twitter. All girls under the age of 18, block him immediately.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012
Sorry folks, I'm just not a fan of sharks – and don't worry, they will be around long after we are gone.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 4, 2013
The above, by the way, was followed by one of the President’s best-ever retorts:
2. Where it all began?
And finally, at Number 1:
Our people have all left Drudge. He is a confused MESS, has no clue what happened. Down 51%. @DRUDGE They like REVOLVER and others!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 14, 2020
Glad to have you back, Mr. President.