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As part of its ongoing campaign to protect Democracy™ and Freedom® from the nefarious Russians, the US State Department just put out a list of “Russia’s Top Five Persistent Disinformation Narratives.” Among the myths that the intrepid fact-checkers of Foggy Bottom wanted to correct were things like this:

Theme #3: “The Collapse of Western Civilization is Imminent”

Russia pushes the false claim that Western civilization is collapsing and has strayed from “traditional values” because it works to ensure the safety and equality of LGBTQI+ people and promotes concepts such as female equality and multiculturalism. The demise of Western civilization is one of Russia’s oldest disinformation tropes, with claims of “the decaying west” documented since the 19th century.

This “values”-based disinformation narrative evokes ill-defined concepts including “tradition,” “family values,” and “spirituality.” Russia argues it is the bastion of so-called “traditional values” and gender roles and serves as a moral counterweight to the “decadence” of the United States and Western countries. For example, President Putin has claimed the West has practically cancelled the concepts of “mother” and “father,” and instead has replaced them with “parent 1 and 2,” while Foreign Minister Lavrov wrote that Western students “learn at school that Jesus Christ was bisexual.”

Our only question: Why did they stop at just five? Here’s some more ugly myths that Russia and its Internet troll cronies continue to spread online with sinister intent.

1. Liberals don’t get comedy.

If liberals didn’t get comedy, why did they make this show on HBO that was so funny YouTube removed the ability to dislike it? Hmmmm?

If liberals didn’t get comedy, then why did the all-female Ghostbusters reboot get a budget of $144 million? Surely savvy Hollywood investors would only give money to funny comedies, and more money must mean more comedy.

2. Fat people are out of shape. 

Have you taken a look at fat people? Out of shapes? Ridiculous. It’s thin people who all have the same shape. That’s why when they shop for clothing, they just need to know their size to buy something. Fats, on the other hand, have a nearly infinite number of strange and surprising shapes, because everyone gets fat in a different way. Some fats get arms that look like like cattle haunches. Some fats grow great big asses. Some fats have thighs of unfathomable scope. And some fats balloon into mighty spheroids of the sort Han Solo might confuse with a small moon.

That’s why, despite exerting a strong gravitational pull that draws clothing and other objects toward them, fat people can never seem to find clothing that fits right. Every new fat body is an adventure filled with unexpected new features.

3. Women don’t belong in combat.

When the military opened all combat roles to women in 2015, and followed that up by lowering fitness standards and designing maternity flight suits, Russian-controlled agents like Tucker Carlson predicted disaster.

But they couldn’t have been more wrong. When the US let women into combat, it was losing the war in Afghanistan to the Taliban, despite total air and technological superiority and an Afghan military which outnumbered the Taliban approximately four-to-one.

But that was 2015. Today, in 2022, America is no longer losing the war in Afghanistan, because the war in Afghanistan is completely over. And combat-ready women played a role every step of the way.

4. Hunter Biden is a corrupt, talentless, drug-addicted degenerate.

Ridiculous. Hunter is an entirely aboveboard, extremely talented drug-addicted degenerate. If Hunter were without talent, why would rich art collectors pay $75,000 just for prints of his original artworks, not even the real thing? If he weren’t a talented lawyer and anti-corruption expert, why would businessmen come all the way from Ukraine (a leading Democracy™) to pay him $50,000 a month (far above the S&P average) to serve on a corporate board? And really, if Hunter Biden were so corrupt, wouldn’t The New York Times, Washington Post, Politico, Vox, and the Associated Press cover the story?

Do you really think journalists, the protectors of Democracy™, would lie about a top Democrat’s son for mere political reasons?

5. Mass ballot harvesting is a greater threat to democracy than voter ID.

The list of country’s that require voter ID includes Canada, Mexico, France, Israel, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Spain, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Finland, India, and Japan, among others. But America is the world’s leading democracy, so it would only make sense that America leads by being the only country of note to reject Jim Crow Badges for voting.

Ballot harvesting, on the other hand, is a very good thing. Think: When you read a news story about “record harvests” in grain or potatoes or sugar beats, is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Obviously, a good thing. So why would ballots be any different? The more of them we can harvest, the better!

6. Democracy means holding fair elections and allowing the will of the people to influence political decisions.

This piece of disinformation is one of the most dangerous in Russia’s arsenal, as it weaponizes a naive belief in the obsolete, literal meaning of the Greek dēmokratía, “rule by the people.” This is an extremely troubling tactic, very similar to the claim that bodies with penises are not women simply because all humans everywhere on earth prior to 2010 were monstrous bigots and used an incorrect definition.

Much like we now know that a “woman” is simply anyone who identifies as a woman regardless of physical characteristics, we now understand that “democracy” (which dies in darkness) has a very different meaning from what ancient Greek bigots thought. Today, elite political scientists now understand that “Democracy” actually just refers to the specific policies that would be chosen by a cross-section of society’s drag queens, homeless vagrants, defense lobbyists, rent-seekers, cat ladies, and pedophiles.

That means authentic democracy means values like trans rights, sanctuary cities, fat acceptance, diversity and inclusion, mass censorship, no cash bail, affirmative action, and bombing Moscow.

We hope this explainer has been informative.

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