In a desperate bid to alleviate their plight, Trump supporters who are still being tormented in prison for participating in the January 6 Capitol incursion are identifying as Cubans in the hope Republican lawmakers will finally care about them.
Had 43-year-old flooring contractor Dominic Pezzola broken the window of an American small business last summer to let in looters, he might have received a token charge or even been heralded as a crusader for racial justice. Instead, the New Yorker broke a window at the U.S. Capitol. Even thought the New Yorker did nothing else other than smoke a cigar, he has spent six months in 23-hours-a-day solitary confinement. Pezzola has been denied bail twice, has been kept away from his 16-year-old daughter, and is unable to support his family, for which he was previously the sole breadwinner.
But despite being a de facto political prisoner of America’s own government, Pezzola’s case wasn’t attracting much interest from Congressional Republicans. Despite Marco Rubio tweeting over and over about political prisoners in Venezuela and Cuba, a letter to Senator Marco Rubio’s office was returned unopened, with flecks of foam still visible on it.
That was when Pezzola had a brilliant idea.
“I have finally decided to embrace who I truly am on the inside,” he told Revolver. “I am now Domingo Sanchez, proud Cuban dissident.”
Pezzola/Sanchez’s new identity quickly generated newfound interest from Senator Rubio.
“Domingo is the exact kind of prisoner whose rights America must care the most about,” said Rubio. “And by that, I mean he’s not an American prisoner.”
Rubio suggested that the federal government impose an embargo on Washington D.C. until Sanchez is released.
Sanchez’s success inspired his fellow 1/6 long-term prisoner, Edward Lang. For months, Lang has struggled to get Republicans to care about being locked up all day and forced to eat off the floor, among other indignities. But as soon as Edward announced his name change to Eduardo and changed his hometown from Newburgh, New York to Havana, Cuba, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz took an intense interest in his case.
“Martin Luther King Jr. once wrote that injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” said Cruz. “But he wasn’t quite right. It’s only injustice outside America that matters.”
January 6 prisoners aren’t the only ones who have realized the usefulness of transracialism in pandering to Republicans. In a desperate bid to alleviate the racial hatred directed at them every day, white Americans are identifying as Uyghurs.
For years, the former Thomas Schmidt of South Carolina had tried to get Republicans interested in his plight. As a software engineer for a local tech company, Schmidt was forced to attend lengthy multi-hour propaganda seminars where he was told that basic positive traits like “rugged individualism,” “hard work,” and “striving towards success” were products of “white male culture” and “devastating” toward oppressed women and non-whites. Later, Schmidt tried to start his own tech business, but as a white male, he faced explicit discrimination in his ability to win contracts.
Schmidt’s daughter Alice, meanwhile, not only faced relentless anti-white propaganda at her public school, but when she complained about a homeless man who exposed himself to her as she walked home, she was given a lecture about how white tears have been paid for in black blood since time immemorial.
Schmidt wrote to Senator Lindsey Graham seeking help for his plight. But Graham was unimpressed.
“Who the hell is this paste-face peasant from Charleston?” said Graham. “Call me when we get a letter from somewhere we can bomb, or at least sanction.”
A member of Graham’s staff was seen folding Schmidt’s letter into a paper airplane, then pretending to bomb an Iranian orphanage with it.
But Schmidt wasn’t ready to give up. After a quick trip to a costume store, he reemerged with a tacky fake beard and a new identity as Hazrat Sabir, proud Uyghur and proud Sunni Muslim.
“It’s perfect,” Schmidt/Sabir said. “Before, I was being demographically replaced, bombarded with race hatred, and crushed with systematic economic and social discrimination. Now, all of those things are still happening, but I’m not white, so the GOP will give a sh*t.”
Almost immediately, a sharp change could be seen in Sen. Graham’s attitude.
“Focusing on the plight of one race will only fan resentment in America. The Republican Party must reject anything that reeks of identity poli– wait, holy shit, this guy’s a Uyghur? We need to sanction Chinese ball bearing exports stat.“
A similar change could be seen inside the shrunken heart of Senator Mitt Romney.
“Previously, little Alice was just some proto-Karen who might not have believed that Black Lives Matter,” said Romney. “Now, she is a profitable tool for American foreign policy to fan conflict with a nuclear-armed power. We have to stand up for her rights.”
Shortly after, Romney introduced legislation to sanction the mayor of Charleston and boycott exports from there until all anti-Uyghur discrimination ends.
“The United States must stand up against racial and ethnic discrimination, wherever it occurs,” said Romney. “Well, unless it’s against white people right here. That would be stoking racial division.”
Mr. Romney’s heart was said to have grown three sizes that day.
Other Americans are getting the same idea as Mr. Schmidt/Sabir. Gus Bradley, a farmer in north Texas, was hopeful that Senator John Cornyn would speak up after the Biden Administration explicitly began practicing anti-white discrimination in awarding farm aid. But Bradley soon realized that pretty much the only time Cornyn used the word “white” at all, it was to condemn “white supremacy” or complain about “angry white males.” But when Bradley saw that Cornyn called China’s actions in Xinjiang a genocide, he knew what he needed to do.
“I am now Abdullah Yüknäki,” he told Revolver, adjusting the newly-acquited taqiyah atop his head. “And now I will have a protector, inshallah.”
Within hours of Yüknäki’s rebranding, Cornyn and thirty-seven other GOP senators co-sponsored a resolution denouncing the Biden Administration’s “genocidal” agricultural policies.
“Not being a white Christian American is great!” said Bradley. “Now I finally have a political party that will look out for me.”
A message for all those who identify as dimwitted or as “disinformation” researchers (but we repeat ourselves): This piece is obviously satire.